I could hear my heartbeat, all of a sudden it felt like a dark cloud was following me. I was numb for the first time like salvation was so far away, hope and faith were just names. ‘Abandoned’ and all alone, 12th October not even ‘extra love’ is enough to make me comfortable. I am at the edge of the plank and tired of suicidal thoughts.
12th October
I woke up at 9 am, set for the day. The weather was relatively warm and as usual, I turned to my phone and I had a reminder, it was Rashid’s birthday. Rashid was like a brother, I considered him to be mighty and valiant. He was slightly taller than I was, probably 5’6 and slightly older.
It’s a run of 8 years since Rashid last celebrated his birthday, the reason as to why he does not, no one knows, but my guess was it had to do with the death of his mother. He usually travels the day before to his grandmother’s place, spends a night or two then comes back. This time, he did not travel. The problem of having friends and family is that they will go out of their way to do something that you do not expect. That’s what happened to Rashid. I got the message at 9:10 am from Fiona, Rashid’s cousin.
“We invite you to Rashid’s birthday party.” As short and simple as that.
I had a feeling that Rashid won’t turn up or he will be going to his grandmother’s later on in the afternoon just to escape. I knew there was something wrong over the years but every time I asked him, he would quote Kendrick Lamar
“if am f*cked up, homie you f*cked up, but if God got us then we gon be alright.” with a smile on his face, then we would forget about it.
Later that night, we were at Rashid’s and everyone was there except his father who was abroad, so it was wildn’. Everyone was waiting for Rashid who took rather a long time to prepare. Fiona went upstairs to check on Rashid, the bathroom door was locked so she just knocked and shouted due to the loud music, hey! Bro we are waiting for you. then she came downstairs. After 15 minutes, we were concerned and Fiona went back upstairs. Rashid was still inside the bathroom, but he was not responding. Fiona saw tons of water on the floor coming from inside the bathroom. She called Mark, who knew his way around with locks and managed to open the bathroom door.
I called Rashid’s mobile as I walked upstairs to check on him. (gasp) through Fiona’s eyes, I could see her soul scared, her heartbroken and shattered into pieces. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed and it was all cold and uncomfortable. Rashid was laying in a pool of blood in the bathtub, dead. Slit wrists, left the water running as he bled to death. There was a note at the sink wrapped up;
“It has not been easy for me over the past 8 years, it’s like I lost my touch when my shine became dim. My mom was everything when God took her, he took everything. I tried to put a smile on my face every day but I could feel the pain. I am glad that everyone got to share their pain, I am glad that you went out of your way to set up the party but, typical me, I just tend not to show up. Now you are all here and we can share the pain I have gone through, this is my 12th October”
Later
I found myself screaming in the closet. I am about to lose my mind; I hope he remembers that he was punctilious. I hope he remembers that we were closer to him than his shadow. I hope he remembers we still loved him. I hope he remembers that I am bipolar. I won’t be apologetic if I lose my mind, if I am sad or if I don’t smile. It's so hard to say goodbyes, now I just want to see out one more memory.
If we don’t laugh anymore, I will always remember you.
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