Ultralight Beam

On high waters, still thinking of the day before. The sun was setting and I was settling thinking of the best things in life; for a moment I was actually letting go. I never wanted to fight with the flow of the river but… high waters.

I have a different perspective and now I have to trust my therapist. …probably the lord blinked when I was falling into an abyss. There was a distance between me and the world. On that day, the human race proved me wrong.

They never took their time to talk it out. Now I am digging my own grave in my mind. I can’t live a life running away every day in angst. They never took their time to listen, now look at what they have done!!. They may be behind bars but these walls sing the same song, these walls are drawing near, these walls… these walls talk over and over. I kept dreaming about them nearly every night this week, asking myself, how many secrets can I keep? Hoping my feelings can stay but they keep on crawling back to them.

I always stayed in the office until 7 pm so that I can have an easy morning the next day. My primetime hours are usually in the evening. A nocturnal creature, that’s how my roommate Kimberly would describe me. Sometimes she would come back home later at night or early in the morning.

Kimberly or Kim, is a paramedic. We live together to cut the cost of living in the city. I really liked the relationship I had with Kim. It was not just the free health insurance that I had taken advantage of but the fact that she never compromised who she was in regard to the conservative lifestyle in our environment.

She had a tomboy kinda vibe. The clothes she wore, her hobbies, the way she talked it was different and brought out a strong masculine aura. However, she identified as HER/SHE. The make-up, the dresses she wore going to work, the manicures and pedicures, you name it she had that feminine touch.  

The society didn’t acknowledge her act. Her mum thinks that her daughter will be living that western way of life and probably be a lesbian. Actually, when she ended things with her ex-boyfriend and decided to move out of her mother’s house, it felt a bit odd. I remember her mum telling her that, God won’t be happy.

It’s been eight months since Kim moved in and eight months of wearing scrubs at home. Though, it hasn’t been easy. The nduthi guys at the bus stop were always a constant bother. The catcalling, the name calling sometimes it took a toll on us but we had to live with it. We always had a car. Kim’s mother gave her a Volvo XC90 as a parting gift. She still loved her but she thought God wouldn’t.

Therefore, going out with the car was not a big deal. The problem came when we went out to walk the dog, go for a walk or to the shops. You develop a certain relationship with someone you see every day. Sometimes its intimate, it makes you comfortable and happy, sometimes it feels inane.

One Friday morning, Kim came back home from work, glum. She is always in a good mood after her night shifts. Something was off. Someone had touched her inappropriately, that’s how she explained. I wanted to stay home and be with her but she insisted that I should just go to work and everything will be fine.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around what happened to Kim that morning as I was reversing the car off the drive-way. Ever so often, being the benign girl, I wanted to let go but it seems that I found out where my demons hid that day. When I was around 50 meters off from the stage, I had already made up my mind and I had put the pedal to the metal. I quickly hit the brakes and froze for a minute then I heard a large bang. Broken glass everywhere.

“wewe shoga unataka kutumaliza.” One of the motorbike riders shouted as they opened the car door and dragged me out. At that moment I felt like I was on the edge. I felt all alone as I was flogged. 

The animosity made me numb and in that moment it hit me, it's never really what you put on, it's not really how you walked or talked, in their eyes, I saw nothing but emptiness with each rip of my clothes I became undone. It's like they tore each bit of my soul that day! My mouth gagged my tears in their flow, screaming but their shouts only soaked my face. As they freed my pants off my waist, they jailed my humanness deep into an abyss of the unknown. As they took turns, the pain became numb, my tears running out I realized sometimes being dead alive is the worst emptiness one can ever feel. I knew I'll live but I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel alive again.

                ....

According to a report by the World Bank, globally, Gender-based violence (GBV) or violence against women and girls (VAWG), is a global pandemic that affects 1 in 3 women in their lifetime.  The rates of depression, anxiety disorders, unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections and HIV are higher in women who have experienced violence compared to women who have not, as well as many other health problems that can last even after the violence has ended (UN Women’s report).

It’s unfair that some people should suffer because we never took time to understand the culture we are living in, we were conservatives. Now we are conservatives living in a liberal world. We will never be liberals, we are just liars. (2includeeveryone)

The girl in the story remains anonymous. After being raped she was diagnosed with clinical depression and was pregnant but opted for an abortion. She still lives with Kim in the same neighborhood however the said perpetrators were put behind bars.

In the beginning there was light

Now it is contaminated  

I don't want to live a lie, that I believe

I don’t want to die for thee, there’s a purpose

I want to have faith

But I can’t understand the pain beneath

                                                                Anonymous