Faded.

                                                                                                                                     …Mumbicreates

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because HE first loved us and with that love I found comfort.

He loves making those prolonged eye contacts with one dazzling, placid smile. He quoted that from 1^st John 4 with a little cameo at the end. It was our anniversary just the other day (12^th January). I cherish the way he adorns this particular day because for the past three years, he has tried to make it different and unexpected.

However, this does not make it perfect. We had to build this kind of love out of sacrifice that brought so much pain. We met at a psychological counselling center. I had just started some sessions and he had come to see her mum. I was going through a lot and there was a lot of things that were weighing me down, so I needed to see someone.

Be that as it may, I was looking for closure. Love hits differently and it was confusing for me as a teenager. I was in a toxic situatuionship that began as a no strings attached to one weird relationship. Previously, I had never been in a relationship or even tried it. I was one of those girls in school, if you know you know. One thing I cherished was how my dad told me I had to bring back around 50 cows and goats “I mean, hio tu light skin itaniletea mahari kamrembo.” He would chuckle slowly and finish off with, “yaani, the way the sun rays gleam on your skin…, aki ya nani! So I value his compliments and it would really boost my self-esteem.

I got caught up with the formality of having a boyfriend and he ended up using me. After high school and an abortion, I wasn’t in a good place in life. Some of my friends left and it felt bad because I became that bad company other parents warned their children about. The same year, my dad was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and it ate him up so fast, 6 months and he was no longer with us. The positive vibe about that year was that my mum had to quit smoking.

After his death, everyone at home was devastated and alone. We had graced happiness in him and it felt like he showed us insufficient love when he left. I was torn into pieces and my sister Angela had to start therapy a bit earlier because her grades were not doing her a favor. My mum tried her best to be strong. However, she didn’t go soft on us, there was a sense of vague disappointment with the fact that I had wasted two years doing nothing.

My relationship with her was complicated and that’s what I got from being the first born to the first to abort. Every heated argument I had with her ended with a reminder that I am a bad example to my sister Angela. The reason why I maintained that complicated relationship was because she told me the truth often. She condemned me, she chased me around the estate but she had to tell me what I needed to hear.

Finally, I enrolled at the university. Majored in engineering which had its ups and down from the word go. Then my mum pushed me to a psychological counselling center in hurlingham. Where I met this weird human being.

We stared back at each other for what seemed like hours until he finally dropped his gaze. I used to sit directly opposite the window and the sun rays would gently caress that light skin chick every day before I entered for my evening sessions, I had to take a couple of selfies for the gram.

Then there he was, looking back up at me; a gentle flush of pink had risen in my cheeks that made me look vulnerable. Then he came and sat next to me and his voice was quieter and less sure. He introduced himself then he had the audacity to asked, “I know this is so weird maybe wrong but can I take a photo of you for the gram?”

I got confused at the moment then sun light stopped being an aesthetic feature and the rays destructed my vision. Then his mum, my therapist came in. The vibe was different with this one. I had just started to put my mind in order but, he was going to be that leap of faith that I was going to take. After my 45 minute session, he was still there, waiting to shoot his shot. I had to play hard to get, at least this time it had to be right.

Time really flies when the moment feels right and after three months, he invited me over for lunch. He made such moments different. He wrote a piece that swept me off my element. The moment we were through with food, he removed that piece of paper from his pocket and started;

I hope this isn’t too much,

Like the way you smile, like the way you slay in that yellow sundress

That makes me afraid that one day,

Someone else will hold your hand and runaway with you…

He goes on for sometimes and I could see it, I could see how handsome he was from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. He was handsome from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. What happened next, we will never get to know, the publisher and his values,  

The 12^th of January

We are defined by our flaws, if anyone is perfect, come forth and teach us. Even the righteous were spotted with patches of sin. I really love him and this time I am not ready to back down. I am so high on the kind of love he gives and falling down will be a catastrophe. We have had our own share of troubles but who doesn’t?

I remember when we used to fight about going to church. He loves the bible mostly the book of Jude, proverbs and the book of John in King James Version. I know that because he likes reading those particular books more often. On the other hand, I consider myself an apathiest. My parents didn’t really see the value of taking us to church, we had lazy Sundays or some weekends my dad would take us to Naivasha. We had to draw a plan because his mentors, friends and other people who went to church with him kept pushing him to stop seeing me. I was ready for it, I was ready for the whole break-up speech, and I know he is that person to pull up a write up for those occasions. From the looks of it, he wasn’t ready to love again. He boycotted church for some few months but it looked so dreadful that he went to the extreme of it. I knew what I had to do, look for my floral maxi dresses buy some pairs of espadrilles and get ready for Sunday church services.

The other thing he had to learn was that I got a little handsy with everyone. Some of my friends can attest to that. He played his cards so well that he too started bring a bit too touchy with some of his female friends. Thumbs up for that d*ck move, I started being jealous of it. He knew that I can’t confront him because I started it. So this one chick got it all wrong and started calling him those sweat names and to my knowledge, she was in a relationship. It wasn’t clear what was happening but I just wanted to see how it would play out. After two weeks, this other girl also got it all wrong again. We actually did fight, it was a mess but I wasn’t ready yet to be ok without him.

So on the 12^th of January 2021, he took my hands, looked at me and said, “We have had one rough three years,” he said while going on down one knee. I swear my heart stopped and I could feel blood draining out of my vessels. “Mumbi, I really love you and I don’t know if this kind of love will ever fade. I know that this journey won’t be easy, but why not try. Mumbi, will you let me give you a foot rub, you look so tired.” He guffawed looking straight up at me.

Every day it hits me hard, this kind of love will never fade.