Lilian's Act

 

I hope I do not get lost in this write up. No poetry from the publisher either, that’s kinda rough though. I grew up in a modern family, my parents have a vast idea of the modern era ideologies and I learnt a lot from them. My dad does international news and travels a lot and my mum, well she is an oncologist based in New York and I live in a small estate in Nairobi. My parents are more of apologists and they like drawing arguments too close to the fire. My dad thought the ‘tough love’ act was good enough. I remember being bullied at school and he would pin it on me. “You should have kicked his ass bwana, I thought I was raising a solider.” On the other hand, my mum had just adopted that method until she got knocked off her edge.

One Christmas eve we were in London at my dad’s apartment and it got rough. By then, my dad had given his life to Christ after a series of troubling events career-wise and getting married to a muzungu. When he opened up, the mockery from my mum’s facial expression would say it all. One thing that tore me apart was what she said before he stormed out, “God would have punish you first before He said yes to you.”

You are probably wondering why she said that, let me take you back to when things were really hard. Back in 2006, we used to live in a one bedroom just off Langata to Kibera. My mum was just at the edge of getting a good job and my dad was behind the scenes in one of the biggest media stations in the country. Everything seemed so right but there was no love. There is always that debate in a relationship about earning more than the other. It did not go down that well when my mum got her first big break as a medical practitioner. I suddenly moved to a good school (started going to school with a school bus) and all of a sudden, my dad’s role was dimmed and the society turned on him.

I do not know what happened but it damaged part of my mind. On the 29^th of January 2008, my goddamn birthday. That night was cold. I was in the dining area doing my homework. My dad had just arrived and he rushed to the bedroom. She, my mom was from the bathroom and my dad forced himself on her but she was not in the mood. I could clearly hear her struggling and my hands were all sweaty and I was trembling with fear.

At the moment, I felt all alone, the rate at which my heart was beating was so intense. That feeling of being happy was just an illusion. I remember every night I would run to my dad and he would give me a big ole hug followed by kisses but from that day, I erased that moment from my mind. I froze at the moment and I was brought back by her scream,

“lilly saidia!!!”

And a growl with a punch at the wall.

“Lillian enda ukaite mama flo.” She was crying and begging and I lost momentum.

Mama flo, the hero she was, she jumped up the cemented wall that separated our houses and with a dagger wrapped on her waist she came picking up everything that seemed to be on her way and looked an inch like a weapon. I don’t know what would have happened if Mama flo wasn’t there. My mum was flogged and branded with a black eye. I came to learn that my dad walked scot free, in his line of work, he knew a lot of powerful people.

So back to London, why are we sitting altogether in a mere festive occasion? Unlike her, I tried to be at peace and the fact that he used to send money in pounds every month.  My mum was not worried at all with the relationship I had with him despite the fact that he was treating the muzungu lady like a queen. Posting pictures online, all smiles and having a good time.

My mum

I love my mum probably the most and this kind of love isn’t going anywhere. She is strong, a heroine that survived gender based violence and still had the guts to be in the same room with the culprit. He did not hurt her just once, she later showed me some horrendous scars and described some of the things she had to put up with.

I respect her decision based on the relationship that she has with my father. One night when we were having some wine and cheese, you could easily see her eyes flooded with tears as she remembers her relationship with the only man she ever fell for.

“He was the man of my dreams, it felt like God had ordained what we had and it seemed like nothing was going to stop us. He made my heart beat in various notations. His love felt so sweet but at the same time it was uncanny resembling the devil. I remember on our wedding night, the way he touched me felt like it was the last time as I promised I will love him even if it kills me, then he killed it, what we had.  

We learn through our amazement and love is not far from that. It’s not by will that you went through some difficult sites and at the moment I was not in contention to be your hero, in times of darkness, in times of sorrow. But I pray every day you will live to love, baby girl, you will learn how to live in love.”