Quietus

 

 I am your number one and you don’t need nothing on the side

You said that you were done for good and I don’t need no more lies

But your phone keeps on blowing, temptations on your line

You could stare on the screen for a while before pressing decline

But I will force a seed and it will linger on your mind

Told myself I will be strong for both of us and I know you be trying

But you are only human, I know loving you is a crime

 

Every fight ended with this lyrical piece, so we hardly fought. She loved J. Cole so much I remember one day she said, “I don’t know but i think I will dump you for Cole if it’s possible.” Then she laughed and I was so uncomfortable with those remarks.

There was some steadiness to her, as if all the storms in the world were a whispering breeze, as if she was there. She was kind and clever, perhaps that's what drew people to her. I must admit, what really drew me closer to her was her long-chestnut like hair. The way her hair would blow in the breeze as she flipped it off her face was everything. Since then, I wanted to be there for her when she fell and stand well back while reaching for the stars.  

Sadly, she was diagnosed with Colorectal Cancer earlier in 2015. She treated herself with no fear and kept on reminding me that she is ‘made of black’, yeah! the ad. When I was joining campus back then in 2015, she went to Joburg for some treatment and everything seemed easy and it looked like she would fight this. As a result, she never enrolled to any school. She became this guru chic and searched for peace.

I have to give it to her, she was a fighter and most of the time she would whisper in my ear “just imagine I don’t have it.” She knew I was so worried about her and truly I was. I was so worried I prayed for her every time we met. However, she had her own therapy sessions that she usually went with her mother. The whole idea was to calm her mum because she became so depressed about it.

Finding peace (Autumn’s piece)

Every day, we are suppressed to unnecessary pressure and no one wants to talk about the mental ache. We are products of love and peace but in truce, we practice lust and fear that has pushed us far from embracing growth and learning about death.

When the sun rises from the east, we expect it to set. The way we have espoused growth, should reflect to our mentality towards death. I am on the brink of death and i would change it just for the special people in this wonderful world, but it’s been a long day for me, they say they loved me but God will love me more.

Remember, its cold and death won’t wait for me anymore. If I fall it will be by grace. Let the scars I got through chemo show that my love won’t die, even if I die, my love won’t die.

 

By 2017, it didn’t get any better and the chemotherapy did a number on her. She lost weight and had to cut her hair. I was broken, the fact that she changed devoured a part of me and left me restless, sometimes I cried through the night. All she ever wanted was to try everything.

Time flies

I was there, the 20^th of May 2018. She was ready to go. Everything she ever taught me about peace, at that moment she practiced it. “don’t fight death, it will be unreasonable, no one will understand but do not fight it, find peace and let your heart rest and at that point, you will stop fearing this death.” She occasionally quoted that when she started her chemo.

Her hand was slowly losing my touch and it felt a little bit cold. I didn’t know who to turn to, who to call first or who to cry with, because she was gone.

It was getting colder and darker; leaves kept on falling from the trees. There was a chill in the air overnight, frost on the ground in the morning, mist and fog in the air. Dry, dead leaves crunch beneath my feet and clouds appear when i breathe out. There is still a lingering warmth, something to push me during my days, but always a constant reminder of the cold to come because everyday I had to say goodbye to the lover of my life.