Let’s pretend that Sundays could last forever, let stress slowly fade through our mindset that it is Sunday and the spirit will gifts us with sanctity. It felt like autumn with a broad smile on my face but the heat from the sun was a reality check up. In the city of Nairobi, we don’t do seasons, it’s either too hot or too cold.
For a moment it looked
like I was on top of the world, then it all came down crumbling and everything
was unsteady. I was cold and alone, I tried calling lyn (a friend) but she
couldn’t pick up the phone and I felt like I was going to cry.
I was having one of the
best days of my life until I got a text. “we
know you were her friend, unfortunately she was admitted and she is in a coma…”
that’s the only part of the text that I was strong enough to read. The whole
afternoon I had to lie to myself to be happy.
Mark, Alice’s brother
called and you could easily note that he was not in a good mood. Mark is always
in a good mood but his voice was somber and the mood was subdued. “Alice tried
to… to… take he.. her… life…” Mark sobbing while talking through the phone.
I used to be in a relationship with Alice but she ended things along time ago. She was admitted to the hospital in view of the fact that she tried committing suicide the previous night. she was experimenting with ecstasy and someone talked her in trying out illicit brew. The feeling took her to some weird place and she wanted to jump down from a six floor apartment. I snapped and became green with envy now that God loved her more He wanted to take her away and it triggered a spasm contraction through my muscles and my mind wandered.
The weather changed and
it duplicated the cloud in my mind. It felt like the pastors in Nairobi stopped
preaching about hope and taught, the Armageddon. The night crawled onward and I
could see her eyes pried open then I became all nervous. My thoughts were in
captivity and all I can remember was her bleak heart.
Love was no more and
darkness filled my heart. My flaws were untouchable and I was still hanging on
to her laces, her pink laces. The universe ought to take her and now too much
love feels like a trap. Hope faded away and my heart was shredded into glass.
“father
who art in heaven, why should I suffer more? Why should I keep on thinking of
her? Why is it a chore for me to collect my tears?” my
heart started beating for her but my mind couldn’t take it anymore.
The saddest thing is that
I wanted reality, I wanted to take the one part of life that I really thought
it was mine and I wanted to protect it from the universe which takes whatever
it wants. I chose to fight it and it was sad, I nearly lost everything. Be that
as it may, I think I am still slow dancing in the dark.
It’s 11 at night and I am
going through the letters we wrote, I know I had a bad handwriting but hers was
indecipherable. The late nights that I hated and your mother resented me for
and the Sundays we hoped for with pancakes and vanilla yoghurt are now vanity.
When she left, I remember
crying all night. She left and a part of me dwindled, all the good bits and the
happiness. I became reckless and sad standing in between life and death. I was
lost, a lifeless face that resembled a silhouette, my eyes damped from the
words you left me with.
“I feel like we should try something different,
It kills me most to say I won’t care
And my tears will be my witness
We fought, we argued memories
will turn to dust
You were patient but
I hope you won’t burry us
And I acted out
HER…
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