Ode to My Mum.

 

“When they come for you, I’ll shield your name. I will help you through the pain.” She uses melody helplessly on her death bed.

I can’t help it but be emotional by her side. She has been strong for so long and now it’s my turn to hold on. Prior, she used to see different people that I couldn’t see. Sometimes I could come visit her and would find her talking to herself. She would laugh and I used to smile. I needed her to believe that she was not crazy.

She admitted that she made a couple of bad decisions. Our actions have consequences and mine have hit me so hard. Metastatic breast cancer one and a half years, the doctors said they it was too late. They did everything but a date was set and everyday with her was a gift.  

On the 20^th of December 2019, I came back to the hospital after buying supplies for Christmas to decorate her room. We knew this would be her last Christmas and the hospital wouldn’t allow her to leave…

Her dad, her man and me.

I was born in 95’ on a Wednesday and ten to one, my mother needed to make that day all about her. She lived with her dad for most of her life. Her mother was out of the picture, for sure I have never known how or what my grandma looked like. My mum never fancied any discussion that would make her talk about her mother.

My grandfather was a one of a kind human. He was a chemical engineer and worked in the UK for sometimes until settling in Nairobi, in the mid-80s. By then, my mum was turning 11 and she was being raised by a single loving father who kept on introducing her to different “mothers”

He admitted he wasn’t a good father but my mum was adamant to that statement and grew up looking up to him. This became one of the reasons she was interested in engineering. However, in high school, she met the one she thought she loved more. She described her as her lover.

His grace was more

He satisfied my soul

When I cried, he was always there

I prayed for us

I prayed for love               92’

 

He gave her three years of love and a year she regretted loving him. A year she prayed to God all night and throughout the day her dad comforted her. In 1994, she became pregnant and her dad got diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer.

1995, March 28. I was born. At 9:00 o’clock in the morning, she looked at me and smiled. Her dad has always been there by her side her entire life but at that moment, when she needed him the most he wasn’t there.

Three hours earlier, her father was in the ICU and every part of his organ was crushing. She knew the pain her father was going through, she was devastated and at the same time on sedatives. She was at risk during birth and losing two people on the same day wasn’t her plan. She wasn’t able to see a clear future with her dad but she knew that it’s there, she knew that it is somewhere.

She described that morning as;

The lord left and my soul was cold

My tears were no more

You prayed for me

Loved me

You carried me, held my hands

now you are gone

and I am still learning to love

She named me Lyn; Leaving You Now, but I added an ‘n’ lynn.                                  95’ with love.

Love

She never loved me too much or too little she just loved me and that was enough. The aspect of measuring love limited grace. God loved us without the construct of mensuration. You either love or hate. No one gets to be loved too much or too little. That’s how she always talked about love.

And being in love with her as much as I am, with all the words unspoken. I will always find love in her even in darkness. She taught me about love, that it is in understanding love that you get to know how to love.

“if I teach you how to love I will limit you with my weaknesses. You have to understand what is love? Then you’ll be able to know how to love you’ll just see the difference somehow.”

“Love is simple. We hate because we complicate how to love. We do not understand what love is and many of us end up doing what they do not know and that’s why love doesn’t last. I believe we do not choose how to be loved, we just love. Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn’t ENVY, it is not proud. When you have all these in love, trust me Lynn, love will be simple.”

Ode to my daughter

Ill die for her

Ode to my daughter

My one and only

Her smile gave me grace

Her tears made me work

Ode to my daughter

Ill die for her

Ill show her the light

The ultralight beam. Kind.

Ode to My mum (Alice)

God please grant my Mama eternal life. I never understood the relationship you had with her but she tried. All night, she cried and I was her witness. Through bad men and her friends who used her kindness for granted. She was left with anxiety and her daughter.

At some point she substituted mental health with religion and I know You (God) were not happy with that sh*t. She had cuts on her arms and her legs to numb her mental desires. She tried, now she’s tired.

Minutes past and the days seemed too long. Now that she’s gone I have to keep going but I promised her I will never shake this feeling.

Ode to my mum, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." She comforted me at her fall.

20th  December 2019

Mum;    The possibility that there is a force that will take us out when it’s time to take go, it’s a possibility that I can’t do anything about. The truth is that one day we are all going to die. Today, tomorrow, I do not know when, but it will surely come. It’s all about your purpose on this earth and trying to be empty. The late Dr. Myles talks about dying empty giving out everything you’ve got and that’s what Jesus came to do he gave us everything. The only thing is that he died for our sins. Jesus dint die old, he died empty probably that’s why he said it is finished.

Lynn;     And also his purpose…

Mum;    For sure. His purpose was in light of him coming to earth. He died having taught his disciples everything he had to.

Lynn:     But death is hard to deal with especially, what you are dealing with sometimes the reality that you’ll not be there isn’t just a reality for itself

Mum:    Death comes with some heartbreak. And I don’t know how I will sensitize my death for you to feel probably ok. But what I will tell you is that it is easier to just go with the flow of the river rather than to struggle with it. Jesus conquered death. I will conquer it and you will conquer it.

(Coughs and smiles) And always remember Lynn, even in death I will always love you and that kinda love isn’t going anywhere. I may leave you but I am as certain that what we have aint going anywhere.

Lynn: (With tears balancing in her eyes) I love you too mum.  

 

 

And even in death, I will always love you.

 

        Alice. M. J

28.3.1971 - 29.12.2019