I asked AI,

I asked AI, what should I do if I am suicidal…

For some time, I have been happy, yes that’s the word, just happy. It felt different, like time stopped and I had to waste it. ‘Time is money’ has become such a cliché. I don’t need time; I just need to heal. Therefore, think about this, having very painful stomach ulcers in the middle of the night and time stops. At that moment the only thing I yearn for is healing, time becomes an abstract and healing becomes too good to be true.

It is quite absurd trying to compare time and the nature of healing. Some might argue that they go hand in hand. Ecclesiastes 3:3 will give you an idea why people say they go hand in hand. I stopped going for therapy; I stopped writing and I stopped being poetic. Probably from my side of the story, I have been in grief. Time stopped and the pain was numb.

At some point I think I lost it…

Healing will change everything. It will bring joy in my heart. I had the light, even darkness wouldn’t overcome it but it whipped out the joy. Then I realized that joy and happiness are two different things. So what is Joy? One might say that joy satisfies the soul. Your emotions are linked towards that feeling and although things can be difficult at some point, one thing you can be sure of, is the joy in your heart. Unlike happiness, it lacks depth.

Let me bring it home, you might like someone because they are attractive and that brings a smile on your face, hence, it makes you happy. You have to develop a deeper relationship one that might bring Joy in your life. Probably, that is what I am looking for to understand how to heal.

For some reason, I stopped caring about how I feel. Dropped my emotional self-care routine all because I was happy. Dumped twice by the same girl and 4 times in 3 months. This is how happiness looks like. Maybe I am the problem. Although, the second girl was kinda a b*tch but I will take the high road and say maybe I am the problem. Happiness, once it fades, you get to realize the truth and my truth is “maybe I am the problem.”

I pray to God that He'll strengthen my hand. My heart is weak and now I have to feel it in my mind. If I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, then let me be holding your hand. However, if I come upon a hurdle, God make sure that I learn from the pain.